Serbia score six, otherwise mediocre.

Bulgaria were beaten 6-1 in an international friendly by Serbia last night, in a game where the Serbians even managed to miss two penalties. The reaction in Bulgaria has been, understandably, quite negative, especially given the lethargic performance of star striker Dimitar Berbatov and rumours that he now wants to retire from international football (announced at half-time on national TV by the Berb's agent, Emil Dancev).

All in all, it's quite a mess, and one wonderfully articulated by the match report in the Sofia Echo, Bulgaria's leading ex-patriate newspaper. Nick Iliev's report instantly enters the pantheon of the greats for its bare-faced contempt for the Bulgarian team, and especially Berbatov. The headline reads 'Serbia Slaughters Bulgaria, Berbatov Useless.' And things go downhill from there. The score is reported as 'Serbia 6, Muppets 1', before Iliev gives us one of the greatest opening paragraphs ever used in a match report:

'Bulgarian President Georgi Purvanov went all the way to Belgrade to watch the match from the VIP section next to his Serbian counterpart. And while the Serbian president, Boris Tadić himself, was sporting a mile-wide grin on his face, the Bulgarian president, naturally, was looking for a pit somewhere to bury himself. But the game was not at a Bulgarian football stadium, full of holes, cracks and collapsing foundations; this was a Serbian ground, so no luck there.'

Iliev notes that, aside from the six goals (and two missed spot-kicks), Serbia were 'otherwise mediocre.' The word 'Muppets' appears twice in the main body of the report too, where Iliev describes the performance as 'a disgrace.'

'Bulgaria's prima donna, Dimitar Berbatov, who went out for a 25-minute stroll and hardly broke sweat on the pitch, was subbed, no surprise, for being useless ... He then theatrically burst a vein, saying that he was so fed up from all the flak received from the Bulgarian media and the never-ending criticism that he was contemplating quitting the national side. Good riddance, and don't come back.'

Iliev concludes by noting that 'a salvo of rotten eggs and tomatoes' awaits the Muppets on their return to Sofia. Who knew they took friendly matches so seriously in Bulgaria? Serbian newspaper Blic were much more diplomatic about the game, noting that they were left with 'the impression that Bulgaria approached the friendly international too lightly.' Indeed.