Paradise?

Sometimes, the less said the better.

(PS: Paradise refers to Manchester City, apparently)

Totally off Topic...

...but could this be the headline of the year? I'd like to think so. Another example of Guardian journalists being a bit too clever by half. Although technically, there is nothing at all clever about this.

In other news, some sporting event or other kicked off today. And we have a war on our hands too! Yawn. When they produce a good headline, I'll care.

Talking Trap

What a difference a year makes. About this time last year, the Irish sporting nation was mired in a general depression due to the abysmal run of results achieved by the national football team under the stewardship of then manager Steve Staunton. A defeat in Prague against the Czechs, a blown lead in the last minute against Slovakia, and then a humiliating draw against our new nemesis Cyprus at Croke Park in October led ultimately to Staunton's resignation, and had Irish football at arguably its lowest ebb since the early 1980s.

The appointment of Giovanni Trapattoni came as something of a shock. Here was the Football Association of Ireland spending big money to get a big name manager in, a man who had a CV without equal in the world of club football. Trapattoni may be advancing in years, but given the notoriously tight-fisted and ramshackle approach of the FAI to all aspects of football administration, the Italian's appointment was possibly the most important single off-pitch event in Irish football history since that night in 1940 when Mr and Mrs Giles of Cabra got a little frisky after one glass of sherry too many. But I digress.

The press reception of the Trapattoni appointment has been overwhelmingly positive [unless, of course, you count yourself among Terry Venables' cronies]. However, the hard work begins on September 6^th in Tblisi against Georgia, followed by a tricky away tie in Montenegro on September 10^th, with arch-enemies Cyprus returning to Dublin on October 15^th. Once these games are played, we will know a lot more about what the next two years have in store.

As Staunton learned, the Irish sports media is increasingly following the lead of its counterpart in England and will not relent in savage criticism and often hilarious parody. Bearing all this in mind, lets take a look forward at what the next few months may hold in store for Trapattoni and his men, by pre-empting some possible tabloid headlines and scenarios.

Crapattoni: Ireland lose 4-0 in Tbilisi against the Georgians, and then play out a disappointing 0-0 draw against Montenegro. The press are quick to pounce. This headline could also be used if the Italian were involved in an embarrassing diarrhoea incident a la Alex Ferguson.

Clapattoni: The Irish sporting public look beyond the disappointing beginnings to the qualification campaign and give Trap a five minute standing ovation at Croke Park before the Cyprus game.

Pizza Cake : Ireland cruise past Cyprus 3-0, justifying the faith of the home crowd.

Slapattoni : In a team building exercise, Trapattoni encourages the team to follow Lee Carsley's example and shave their heads, and leads the way by taking a severe blade to his own coiffure.

Pasta Ball: The manager encourages the Irish midfield to play a more free-flowing passing game.

Lucattoni : The manager convinces the Italy forward to declare for Ireland.

The Italian Stallion : In addition to the Toni acquisition, Trap convinces Kilbane to declare for Italy. His stock has never been higher.

Lapattoni : The manager brings the players to Stringfellow's for a team building exercise, somewhat undermining his reputation as a devout and austere Catholic. This does not go down well.

Rigattoni : Trap is implicated in a match-fixing ring dating back to the Georgia game. His stock plummets.

Clap-Trap: It emerges that Trapattoni has been having an affair with an STI ridden FAI secretary. His marriage falls apart.

Gio Politics : With the scandals piling up and contract negotiations on the horizon, FAI chief executive John Delaney ponders what to do next.

Trap-Door: Delaney decides not to renew the contract of his beleaguered manager.

Penne for your Thoughts: Trapattoni picks up work hosting a live phone-in show with Trevor Welch on TV3. Rumours abound that he is set to replace Ryan Tubridy on RTE's flagship Saturday night chat show.

The Return of the Special One

The Telegraph have recently launched their new fantasy football game, and to publicise it, have slipped Jose Mourinho a few fifties to 'enter' a team.

A couple of questions:

1) If Mourinho's team is trailing with a few weeks left of the season, will The Special One [TM] use Middlesbrough's Robert Huth as a makeshift striker, his fallback plan while both were at Chelsea? More to the point, do the rules allow for the utilisation of a defender as a striker in these games? A potential grey area.

2) Will Jose claim that controversial goals do not count, much as he did with Luis Garcia's infamous goal for Liverpool in the Champions League semi-final of 2005? Will he still be disputing league results in years to come?

3) Mourinho's XI includes Ricardo Carvalho and Michael Essien but not Fat Frank Lampard. Does he not expect him to be in the Premiership much longer? There is no other earthly reason why Jose would not select Frank in the fantasy or actual world.

On a side note, the Telegraph game offers versions featuring only players from the Championship, League One, or League Two. An absolutely inspired idea if ever there was one. League Two Fantasy Football - surely a contradiction in terms?