English football's close season is an anxious time for many fans as they wait to see whether their star player decides that there's more to life than the curry mile and the Trafford Centre (Manchester United), whether their manager can flog enough of the first team to raise £24 million (Arsenal) or whether the first team can drum up enough support in Bangkok for the clubs' owner to avoid a second military coup in a year and thus, continue to launder, sorry, provide transfer funds (Manchester City).
Fans attempt to overcome their anxieties in a number of ways, ranging from temporarily following other leagues ("Difficult to believe that Sao Paolo left in a goal in the 89th minute against Ipatinga last night, wasn't it?") to looking at those Masters Tournaments, where dodgy footballers from the 80's and 90's display an impressive array of both step-overs (David Speedie) and comb-overs (David Speedie). Some, like myself, have taken a break from football altogether and watched what's happening in other sports.
A word of warning to those adventurous enough to switch channels whilst Tony Cottee defies physics (and well, taste) on an indoor football pitch – the broader world of sport will be an alien environment at first. But look at it as you would at making new friends: you're not going to like all of them but you'll eventually find one to share those awkward, somewhat homoerotic moments with. Just like that friend, you learn from one another. For example, you see that there are things in each sport which could potentially be applied to football.
Was anyone from the football fraternity paying attention to how efficiently the live video replays worked for line-calls? When did the notion arise in football that live video replays would slow the game down? Plus, the idea that each side can only call for a replay a certain amount of times is inspired. Realistically, if we're worried about slowing the game down, we should ban the compulsory practice of kicking the ball out for injuries. Or catenaccio. Or Titus Bramble.
Then, there's rugby…
Imagine a world where abuse to the referee meant having a set piece moved ten yards up the pitch, where only the captain could talk to the referee, and their conversations were all audible to us from the comfort of our armchairs. That world is rugby union. I hope that one day soon these rules can be transposed from rugby into football. The trade off here is that we might have to listen to conversations between Rio Ferdinand and another human being (the referee).
Let's not forget basketball…
Relax, I'm not going to suggest making the goal only barely big enough to fit the football in. Nor am I going to say that making pitches more compact makes the game more exciting (refer to Masters Tournament, above). Basketball's 'backcourt' rule is to be cherished, however.Every time a team passes the halfway line, they can't go into their own half again. It would be difficult to enforce in football but then again, so was the no-pass back rule for about two weeks.
Even NFL…
Never has there been a better advert for a wage cap than Phil Neville's house. Transposing the wage cap that exists in the NFL to football wouldn't necessarily force Gorgeous Phil to move to a sensible dormer bungalow, but it would play its part in making the league more competitive by allowing smaller clubs to compete in salary-terms with their larger counterparts just as it has proved in NFL. I also think we should introduce those oversized finger things if anyone's interested.
Maybe these ideas could make a successful changeover or perhaps I'm a freak who thinks about nothing but football, even after he's made the decision to branch out into other sports. I'm probably in denial: in retrospect, I'm longing for feigned injuries, ongoing disputes between players and linesmen, sixty yard passes back to the goalkeeper-cum-sweeper so that he can do some keepie-uppies and gratuitous shots of buxom wags in the crowd. I love you football. I'm sorry. Please, take me back.
1 comment:
I like your thinking, especially with regards to the basketball rule - but your terminology is wrong! Moving back into your own half of the court is called 'backcourt'. Travelling is carrying the ball without dribbling. (Except for the two steps you're allowed to take when driving to the basket.)
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